I had called EFAP two weeks ago, to try to get out of a bad place with using food to cope with life.  I have been struggling with emotions lately and not been dealing with it effectively.  Thankfully I was able to see a counsellor today and we connected.  You don’t always connect with a someone in this capacity so I am delighted to say I got lucky.

We had a good conversation for an hour around everything going on in my life and how I am using food to handle it.  She and I determined a few goals (see below) that I am committing to for the next two weeks. What I like about this process is I am enabling someone external to enter my life for the specific purpose of improving my well being.  There are a lot of things I do well, but self care has not being one of them!

Goals before the next appointment on July 5, 2018:

1. Photograph everything I eat and post to the Fat Project’s Instagram (Yes all of it – even the poor choices). This will help me eat better so you may not see anything too poor – I really need a name for this beyond the Observer Effect.
2. I will walk from Union Station to my office at 250 Yonge St. twice a week for the next two weeks.  We didn’t specify whether this was both ways 🙂  But I will assume the positive intention and assume it is both ways.
3. Prepare a list of coping skills instead of eating that I have used successfully. (This will be the hardest and I am not yet sure where to start).

Sushi at my desk with miso #thefatproject #keepingitreal #postallmyfood

A post shared by Paul McIntyre Royston (@thefatproject) on Jun 25, 2018 at 1:03pm PDT

Smoothie and coffee from my new office at 250 Yonge St. in Toronto #grateful #opportunity #thefatproject

A post shared by Paul McIntyre Royston (@thefatproject) on Jun 25, 2018 at 6:02am PDT

I have been a hot mess as far as consistency goes with the FAT Project since I found out we were pregnant with twins almost two years ago.  I’ve had great streaks in both great choices and terrible choices.

This continues almost daily as I struggle with binge eating coupled with measuredd portions and focused exercise.  They don’t go well together.  I really need a more level approach.

If you know me well you know that I set things high and then meander and stretch my way towards this bold goal and bring others along with me.  The problem is while that has worked in my career, it is NOT working now.   I cannot continue the FAT Project with just the Olympic distance triathlon as the target.

I must take the small steps each day to move toward what I want.

1. Daily Walk – I don’t care how long
2. Biking Goal – my wife and I are coming to an agreement about me earning a road bike this year. How much I have to ride etc..?
3. Get a coach – I have avoided this out of fear and ego.  I have one for leadership, I NEED one for the FAT Project.  Ideas? Interested?  This isn’t a sport coach yet. (That comes when I can actually properly do a triathlon)
4. 5 Seconds – Before I eat anything at all….I must take stock for 5 seconds about what I am doing.
5. Name my obesity.  I follow the Canadian Medical Association approved definition of Obesity which frames it as a disease.  It isn’t my fault but it is my responsiblility.  I have read that cancer patients often name their tumor.  So I will too…….and I want your help to pick!
   • Zorkon the Destroyer
   • Kepler
   • Jimmy
   • Slartibartfast
   • Other ideas ( no Boaty McBoatface!)

I am slow.  I have always been not physically fast, so I fully expect to be last in whatever I try.  I said yes to my first Obstacle Course Race(OCR) in 2016 because I believe in completion not competition and because I committed in the FAT Project to say yes when things are offered.

Darcy Chalifoux from X Warrior Challenge reached out to me because he had heard about the FAT Project and was looking for a “non-fit” participant (my words 🙂 to run and share their story.  I was scared: 23 obstacles, lots of climbing and rolling and groaning.

Now after 2 OCR’s complete and contemplating flying in for a 3rd in May, (msg me if you would join my team) I find I love the camaraderie, the energy and even the sweating.

We often just do the same things every day.

We often don’t want to try new things because we probably won’t be good at them at first.

This fits both.  So get off your butt and try it.  I did.

And ten days until my 39th birthday.  I have been having such a hard time not using food to cope with life.  I have binged almost every day for the last two weeks. From late night popcorn and peanut butter sandwiches to two bagels in the morning – it has been a rollercoaster and I feel out of control. This all makes me gain weight at about a 1 pound every three days.  I don’t have a working scale so I can’t check yet.

Let’s start again today.  I have always liked numbers and 12/12 is a nice one. Let’s raise my consciousness to be focused on what I consume instead of letting habits and nerves guide me. Let’s take each day one day at a time, instead of ignoring my feelings, confront why I want to stuff my face.  What is it giving me, what am I getting from it?  I am more self aware of these things than I have ever been and I even thought I was over these binge times……but I am not.  The only thing that I can feel good about here is that at least I am dealing with it and not waiting until I weigh 400+ lbs again.

All in all it just sucks that I have gained weight and am in these depths related to food.  My overall mood is great.  Work is going swimmingly, and we have a good routine wrt to the commute and the family.  We feel settled in Oakville and are enjoying the activities with family and the kid’s school.

Life is hard sometimes, you just can’t eat a donut everyday though. Onward and upward.

Today’s menu:

Homemade banana strawberry smoothie

1 Tbsp Flax
1 Tbsp Chia Seeds
1.5 scoop chocolate protein powder
1 Tbsp Cocoa
1 Tbsp Espresso
1 cup water
2 Tbsp plain yogurt
1/2 frozen banana
1/2 cup frozen strawberries

XL Coffee with 1 cream from McDonalds