It’s been 5 years since I started the first FAT Project. But even longer since the idea existed. It was sometime in 2005 or so when I had originally wanted to film and share the story of my struggles and hopefully my success in lowering my mass. For the last two years, I have been drifting in and out of a bad relationship with food.
And I think that is probably the crux of it all. I am in a bad relationship with food. I abuse it to make my feel better in the short-term. I binge to numb emotions and not deal with other things. It fills a hole in my mind when bored. It calls to me at certain times of the day wanted to be eaten, to be consumed. This relationships controls a big part of me – I am in its grasp.
You can look back in my posts and see the first 3 year journey captured on video, photo and text. I had lost over 100 lbs after 1 year and after that slowly gained weight to today, where I believe I am back to around 420. I get a scale tomorrow to see where things have gotten to without attention and intention.
I really am ready. From achiness in everything I do, to fatigue and an abnormally high amount of fear around hurting myself in everyday activities – I am so done with this bad relationship. I have known for a long time that the FAT Project’s activities of food logging and exercise tracking are the treatment I would have to do the rest of my life. That seems like a lot, though I realize the trade off is very much worth it.
Losing weight isn’t rocket science – changing 40 years of habits and coping however is harder than rocket science. Ingrained behaviours need to be unpacked and new ones nurtured to replace them.
I am worth it – my life is worth it – I need to comeback from this abyss of food.