I feel it must be clear to the outside world how much I am struggling with the FAT Project right now. I have had about 20 restarts in the last 6 months alone. I have gained weight as evidenced by my clothes and how my back is feeling. I am not exercising much at all. I post on social with the consistency of bad weather in summer. This sucks.
I have again returned to old habits where I use food to handle the complexities and challenges in life. And this year was full of those:
The Intensity of 2017
- Birth of Twins
- Moving Provinces (saying goodbye to so many good people and everything else this entails)
- Starting as a CEO at a new organization
There is one clear difference this time however: I am acutely aware of it. I know what I am doing when I am doing it and I am convinced this can allow me to challenge these behaviours more aggressively. Merely by writing about it here I acknowledge them and I can restart the processes I began with the FAT Project 2 years ago. Why I am doing this publicly and why I am doing it at all.
It also important to acknowledge how much life doesn’t suck:
- Christine and I have 5 healthy daughters who love to make their own way
- The kids are loving their new school and community
- Christine’s re-connection to her parents and sister has been delightful to see
- We have reunited with many old friends and family and are making new ones in Oakville
- My new role is incredible, especially the people at the Canadian Olympic Foundation, I am very lucky
- I keep being told that being me is what will enable my success at work and consequently I am bringing it as much as I can everyday – it appears to be working
- I am travelling for work and seeing old friends around the country
- I have the privilege to go to South Korea for the Olympic Winter Games in February
I wonder sometimes how my obesity fits into my life. Is it caused by my success, is it a byproduct? Is it a hindrance or a liability? We had a good discussion at work about bringing your whole self to bear. I believe in this idea and I always try to do this -I am Paul in whatever situation I am in. That means that I cannot separate my obesity from me. It is me; I identify as someone who has the disease of obesity and I always will. So what I am wondering is if I can keep that part, as it seems to work for me and still lose the weight. It makes me so mad that I can’t fit into some of my clothes, that I have back aches and side aches. That I can binge on food so quickly just to provide quick relief from challenging situations and feelings. I understand things through this lens, can I even think about removing it until I am no longer physically obese? Can I have obesity and not be obese? I would like to believe that.
The way I manage my food intake and exercise output needs to reflect how much I use food to cope.
I have a short term goal and that is to fit into the Olympic Clothing in February in PyeongChang, South Korea. I have 2XL ordered (that is the biggest they make) and I do NOT fit into it right now.
Today I started with a homemade smoothie and an Americano black. Each choice fits into the greater objective and I want to align my choices back to those objectives. Thank you for all the amazing support the FAT Project connections have provided these last two years.