Off the rails Or Fuck, this is hard.

I feel it must be clear to the outside world how much I am struggling with the FAT Project right now.  I have had about 20 restarts in the last 6 months alone.  I have gained weight as evidenced by my clothes and how my back is feeling.  I am not exercising much at all. I post on social with the consistency of bad weather in summer. This sucks.

I have again returned to old habits where I use food to handle the complexities and challenges in life.  And this year was full of those:

The Intensity of 2017

  • Birth of Twins
  • Moving Provinces (saying goodbye to so many good people and everything else this entails)
  • Starting as a CEO at a new organization

There is one clear difference this time however: I am acutely aware of it.  I know what I am doing when I am doing it and I am convinced this can allow me to challenge these behaviours more aggressively. Merely by writing about it here I acknowledge them and I can restart the processes I began with the FAT Project 2 years ago. Why I am doing this publicly and why I am doing it at all.

It also important to acknowledge how much life doesn’t suck:

  • Christine and I have 5 healthy daughters who love to make their own way
  • The kids are loving their new school and community
  • Christine’s re-connection to her parents and sister has been delightful to see
  • We have reunited with many old friends and family and are making new ones in Oakville
  • My new role is incredible, especially the people at the Canadian Olympic Foundation, I am very lucky
  • I keep being told that being me is what will enable my success at work and consequently I am bringing it as much as I can everyday – it appears to be working
  • I am travelling for work and seeing old friends around the country
  • I have the privilege to go to South Korea for the Olympic Winter Games in February

I wonder sometimes how my obesity fits into my life. Is it caused by my success, is it a byproduct?  Is it a hindrance or a liability?  We had a good discussion at work about bringing your whole self to bear.  I believe in this idea and I always try to do this -I am Paul in whatever situation I am in.  That means that I cannot separate my obesity from me. It is me; I identify as someone who has the disease of obesity and I always will. So what I am wondering is if I can keep that part, as it seems to work for me and still lose the weight.  It makes me so mad that I can’t fit into some of my clothes, that I have back aches and side aches.  That I can binge on food so quickly just to provide quick relief from challenging situations and feelings. I understand things through this lens, can I even think about removing it until I am no longer physically obese?  Can I have obesity and not be obese?  I would like to believe that.

The way I manage my food intake and exercise output needs to reflect how much I use food to cope.

I have a short term goal and that is to fit into the Olympic Clothing in February in PyeongChang, South Korea.  I have 2XL ordered (that is the biggest they make) and I do NOT fit into it right now.

Today I started with a homemade smoothie and an Americano black.  Each choice fits into the greater objective and I want to align my choices back to those objectives. Thank you for all the amazing support the FAT Project connections have provided these last two years.

Roar.