I don’t ever remember having felt so intensely emotional on a constant basis. I go from very low lows to uber highs in terms of my outlook and feelings. This can occur in single day or even a few hours.
I am finding it not only distracting and irritating but sometimes detrimental to my daily activities. Tonight I just had to shut down so I sent the girls upstairs to watch TV for a while. The emotional intensity of looking after the kids for the day, magnified what I was feeling – depressed.
Is this shedding of weight affecting my emotional state? Yes, I am sure it is. I am also partway in not using food as a coping mechanism. And I don’t really have another vice feeling the void (not that I want one.)
There are just times like tonight when I fake a smile and a good attitude and struggle through dark clouds in my mind. I haven’t penned a poem since Grade 12 IB english with Mr. McKenna – here goes…
Ripping at my decency, my humanity
Taking me away from what I value, what I love
I hate it, I hate myself for feeling this way
Pure sadness inhabits my being
The good slides away into the margins
I cope with platitudes and false smiles
Feeling flawed like the bruised banana
But I can’t peel it to see underneath
There is too much in the way
I’ll do a little segue from poetry into a gratitude list, I just need to do something…
- a partner who loves me – even through all this crap
- three amazing daughters, who are delightfully themselves
- work that challenges me, and lets me create the change that I so desperately want to make
- friends and colleagues who have patience with my moods, eccentricities and other childish behaviour
Have a great day and feel better about yourself, you deserve it.