Cravings and Other Hogwash

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I had some pretty strong cravings today.  I lusted after a large pizza dripping with cheese and fresh out of the oven nachos. It is even continuing right now as I write this at 9:30 pm at night. Don’t worry, I am going to be okay.  In fact I am a little relieved as this has been a bit too easy for the past 2 weeks.

My wife and I were trying to figure out why I was having these strong cravings today. She reminded me that we slept away from home last night and our regular meal pattern of the past two week was disrupted.  Two of our kids are also sick and I may be coming down with it.  Most likely these are the correct assumptions, but I couldn’t help but feel that it is all over; that I should just stop the Project, eat the pizza AND the nachos and say #@$% it.

THIS OF COURSE IS UTTERLY RIDICULOUS SELF-DEFEATING HOGWASH…but it is real hogwash and I need to acknowledge it, own it and then flush it away.

It is not all over, I am two weeks in and had my first day that I wasn’t feeling 100% into The FAT Project.  By the time the FAT Project comes to an end, more than 1000 days from now, I will have had hundreds of cravings and maybe even times where I ache for the days of the food free-for-alls.

The whole purpose of doing the FAT Project so publicly is to help me understand what is going on inside me so I can grow away from the self-defeating behaviours.  In order for me to heal my morbid obesity forever, I need to accept and work through these completely normal cravings.  It is okay. It is normal.  Even if I had acted on them it would be okay.

So what if I had snuck out and ate a large pizza?  (It’s been done before…)  The first thing I would do is take a picture of the pizza for Instagram – no really I would (there would need to be some explanation for not losing weight).  My likely target would be a large Hot-N-Ready pepperoni pizza from the Little Caesars drive-thru near our house, coming in at a robust 2240 calories.  If I had already eaten my alloted calories for the day at just under 2100, that pizza would represent one extra day of food.  Those extra calories would help me feel bloated and uncomfortable – I already feel like my stomach is expecting less food, like it has shrunk and I would likely spend some time beating myself up for overeating.  At the same time, I know that roughly 3500 calories equals 1 lb.  The calories in the pizza would equal 2/3 lb. and in the grand scheme of things, means that while not good, its also NOT A BIG DEAL. Move on…..

I am using this space to write about my struggles so that I may truly understand my problems, my obsessions and my issues with food.  Putting my thoughts and feelings into words here will hopefully help when difficulty strikes and I feel like quitting.

Some inspiration to end today with the man behind ObesetoBeast:

Loose-Skin-weight-loss

 

What I ate today:

Breakfast

  • Quinoa with Veggies – 150 cal
  • Cottage Cheese – 150 cal
  • Black Coffee – o cal

Snack

  • Cinnamon Raisin Bagel 220 Cal
  • Cream Cheese and Peanut Butter 75 Cal

Lunch

  • Cajun Chicken Caesar Wrap 420 Cal
  • House Salad 150 Cal
  • Latte 130 Cal

Snack

  • Coffee with 2 cream 60 Cal
  • Celery 5 Cal

Dinner

  • Subway Club with light mayo and cheese – 760 Cal
  • Nestea zero – 0 Cal

Total Calories

  • 2120 Cal

 

 

FAT Positive Friday What I will miss from being big...

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My favorite thing about being big is the floating.  When in the pool or a lake, I am ridiculously buoyant, almost a boat.  I don’t even need to tread water, I can kind of just stand there in deep water, occasionally moving my hands to stay straight up.

My children have used me as a boat and we have a lot of fun with this particular FAT positive.  The only negative side effect of this floating is that when I jump into the water, I go quite deep and then almost rocket back out as my large body rips me back to the surface.

I want to end this post by giving incredible thanks to my wife.  She has been so supportive in these first two weeks on top of being patient and wise with regard to this entire Project.  Here is to partners in life.

 

 

Throwback Thursday – January 26, 2006

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So I used to have a blog at www.paulroyston.com, which I ran for about 5 years from 2001 – 2005 (this was before the word blog formally entered the lexicon.  Most Thursdays I will pull up an old post (a lot of them talk with my struggle with food) and provide some commentary.

 

January 26, 2006

I am sick of it. I am so tired of my struggle with weight and food. I have spent 19 years thinking about it and I have no real answers. I realised that being vegetarian for so many years helped me stay smaller (not small though). From August to December I was eating like a ‘normal’ N. American, i.e. meat in most of meals, and I gained weight. Though I don’t have a scale I believe I weigh 400 lbs. It’s a big number and about double where I think I should be. The smallest I have been in recent years was about 325 back in the summer of 2002. [Future Paul: I hadn’t actually remembered that I had weighed 325 back in 2002 – this has been my end weight, I have never gotten lower as an adult]

So why write about this now? I am fed up and see myself just getting bigger. I will die like this unless I can leash its power over me. Notice I say leash, for I beleive that it will always be there in me. I don’t begrudge that it will be there, I like my life and my size has always been a part of that. People have told me that they can’t see me smaller; well sorry, that will change and I need it too.

If you see me, tell me to keep going. I am in the fight for my life, with myself. For me there is no greater enemy and no greater friend. I will re-start the battle at this moment(11:59 am).  [Future Paul: I really agree with the no greater enemy, no greater friend line, it continues to prove itself true]

I will falter, I will fail at times; but that is okay. Because the next moment I will re-focus and tackle my enemy down. 🙂

I will do this as a vegan, for only when I eat the way I feel we are intended to do I feel my best. I feel like I can fly, like I have a million joules of electricity flowing through my veins. [Future Paul: Well I acutally feel like this when I eat well in general too.  I remain highly supportive of a vegan lifestyle and truly enjoyed eating this way]

I have things to ask you:
1) Do not offer me non-vegan food or crap-food, and I will also make the right choices.
2) Demand the most of me, push me and I will push myself.
3) Ask me to exercise with you; I will not say no.

I have no choice but to be agressive with myself. For I have had it too easy for too long. If you can help me with the above I will be grateful, and if you can’t I will still be grateful, just a different part of me. 🙂 But the next moment I will strive again.

Christine provides so much support and I accept it fully. While this enemy lies within me, we will tackle it together as partners in life. [Future Paul: I am awe of Christine’s capacity of support and caring, I am honoured to be her husband and partner in life – this a month after we got married]

Love, prosperity and peace to you.

Health At Every Size (HAES)

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The picture above is from September at our mostly annual Royston Invitational Putting Tournament. We set up golf holes on regular lawn and then have friends and family play for a trophy.  I am not happy with my size in this picture nor how I was feeling.  I had already taken 4 muscle relaxants by this time of the day so I could move well.

I signed a pledge today for the Health at Every Size movement.  I like their mission and philosophy, because it aligns with how I am approaching The FAT Project. One of the key pieces is to celebrate your life no matter how much you weigh. Health remains the most important part, always.  I found it after reading a post by Lauren Fowler on letting go of your weightloss goal.

 

and

Break Up with Diets Today

I deliberately don’t have a number of pounds I am shooting for. Firstly, my lowest adult weight has been 325 lbs and I don’t know what the ‘right’ size for my body is.  Secondly, I am doing the FAT Project to feel better, to live a healthy life and most important to live a full life. I have never been that focused on a number at any point throughout my life. If I felt good and healthy that was my metric.

I have hit a wall where my obesity is concerned.  I feel that my size is a barrier in my daily life and is detrimental to my health.  I was waking up in pain every morning to the point where I would have to go sit in a recliner for 15 min to reset my back so I could walk properly. My knees ache when I walk, especially upstairs and my shoulders freeze up with incredible pain every few months.  I have a varicose vein on my right knee and my ankles have lots of broken blood vessels.  I feel very fortunate that I do not have any chronic conditions or issues that prevent me from improving my health through physical activity.

It’s interesting because these aches and pains are a relatively new thing.  Since having children, I have not made exercise a priority, but throughout my life I feel that I was a reasonably active, morbidly obese man.

A quick list of things I have done while weighing 325 – 400 lbs:

  • Had three children (well, my wife actually was the one who birthed them 🙂 )
  • Had a great career and am now CEO of a non-profit
  • Completed several long multi-day bike trips (the longest at more than 600 km)
  • Climbed down a mountain in Jasper, Alberta
  • Completed a Try-A-Tri (400m swim, 10km bike, 2.5km run)

I have spent a long time not listening to or respecting my body.  Thinking about Health At Any Size and the mindset that goes with it is a big step to getting there.