So I used to have a blog at www.paulroyston.com, which I ran for about 5 years from 2001 – 2005 (this was before the word blog formally entered the lexicon. Most Thursdays I will pull up an old post (a lot of them talk with my struggle with food) and provide some commentary.
January 26, 2006
I am sick of it. I am so tired of my struggle with weight and food. I have spent 19 years thinking about it and I have no real answers. I realised that being vegetarian for so many years helped me stay smaller (not small though). From August to December I was eating like a ‘normal’ N. American, i.e. meat in most of meals, and I gained weight. Though I don’t have a scale I believe I weigh 400 lbs. It’s a big number and about double where I think I should be. The smallest I have been in recent years was about 325 back in the summer of 2002. [Future Paul: I hadn’t actually remembered that I had weighed 325 back in 2002 – this has been my end weight, I have never gotten lower as an adult]
So why write about this now? I am fed up and see myself just getting bigger. I will die like this unless I can leash its power over me. Notice I say leash, for I beleive that it will always be there in me. I don’t begrudge that it will be there, I like my life and my size has always been a part of that. People have told me that they can’t see me smaller; well sorry, that will change and I need it too.
If you see me, tell me to keep going. I am in the fight for my life, with myself. For me there is no greater enemy and no greater friend. I will re-start the battle at this moment(11:59 am). [Future Paul: I really agree with the no greater enemy, no greater friend line, it continues to prove itself true]
I will falter, I will fail at times; but that is okay. Because the next moment I will re-focus and tackle my enemy down. 🙂
I will do this as a vegan, for only when I eat the way I feel we are intended to do I feel my best. I feel like I can fly, like I have a million joules of electricity flowing through my veins. [Future Paul: Well I acutally feel like this when I eat well in general too. I remain highly supportive of a vegan lifestyle and truly enjoyed eating this way]
I have things to ask you:
1) Do not offer me non-vegan food or crap-food, and I will also make the right choices.
2) Demand the most of me, push me and I will push myself.
3) Ask me to exercise with you; I will not say no.
I have no choice but to be agressive with myself. For I have had it too easy for too long. If you can help me with the above I will be grateful, and if you can’t I will still be grateful, just a different part of me. 🙂 But the next moment I will strive again.
Christine provides so much support and I accept it fully. While this enemy lies within me, we will tackle it together as partners in life. [Future Paul: I am awe of Christine’s capacity of support and caring, I am honoured to be her husband and partner in life – this a month after we got married]
Love, prosperity and peace to you.